As parents, it can be hard to know what to say when your child is struggling emotionally, especially when their worries or reactions seem intense or confusing. One helpful approach is emotion coaching, a concept developed by psychologist Dr John Gottman. His research found that when parents are able to empathise and understand children’s emotions with empathy and guidance, it can lead to better emotional regulation, stronger relationships, and improved mental health.
What is Emotion Coaching?
Emotion coaching is about helping your child understand their feelings, name them, and learn how to manage them. Rather than jumping in to solve the problem or tell them not to worry, it’s about sitting with them in the feeling, validating their experience, and gently guiding them toward healthy coping strategies.
By doing this consistently, children develop internal scripts or mental roadmaps for managing their emotions, which they can start to apply more independently as they grow.
Follow Their Lead, Even When the Worries Seem Small
At certain developmental stages, children may express worries that feel very concrete or minor, like being scared of falling over, getting a maths question wrong, or someone laughing at them. Even if there are bigger things going on, children often feel safer expressing these “everyday” concerns.
Emotion coaching encourages us to meet them where they’re at. Talking through these smaller worries helps children practise recognising emotions and problem-solving, so they’re better equipped to handle bigger challenges down the track.
How to Practise Emotion Coaching at Home
Here are some simple ways to integrate emotion coaching into daily life:
- Name the emotion: Help your child label the emotion that they’re feeling. “It sounds like you’re feeling nervous about going to school today.”
- Validate the experience: Let them know it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling. “That makes sense. A lot of people feel nervous when something is new.”
- Notice body signals: Encourage them to link emotions to signs in their body, e.g., “Does your tummy feel tight when you’re nervous?”
- Stay curious and calm: Ask open-ended questions to understand their perspective, and respond with calm interest rather than rushing to reassure.
- Support problem-solving when ready: Only once your child is calm, help them think through what might help. “Would it help to talk to your teacher before school, or should we come up with a plan together?” If you have an older child, it is better to ask open ended questions here.
When to Try It
Emotion coaching can happen in day-to-day moments, like when you are in the car, at bedtime, after school, or even while doing an activity together. It’s most effective when your child is mildly upset or worried, rather than highly distressed.
It’s important to note that emotion coaching is not a behaviour management technique. The goal isn’t to stop a behaviour in the moment, it’s to help your child build emotional awareness and regulation over time. While this often leads to fewer emotional outbursts in the long run, the purpose is connection, not control.
Final Thoughts
Emotion coaching takes practice, and it’s okay if it doesn’t always go to plan. The goal isn’t perfection, it’s connection. Every time you help your child name and navigate a feeling, you’re helping them build emotional resilience and the confidence to manage challenges independently over time.
A psychologist can help support your child through understanding their emotions and building resilience. If you’d like to connect with a psychologist, book an intake call with Mind Up today.