Divorce or separation is one of the most challenging transitions a family can face. While every family’s experience is unique, children often experience profound emotional and behavioural changes during this time. Approaching the process with honesty, empathy, and teamwork helps children feel secure and supported as your family navigates this transition.
Note: These guidelines provide suggestions for having difficult conversations with your children. Every child is unique, and your approach should be tailored to their age, personality, and family circumstances.
Planning the Conversation
Children are sensitive to tension in the household, so it’s best to speak with them as soon as possible and in a calm, safe environment. Whenever possible, parents should share the news together, in person, and at a time when the child has space to process, such as a weekend, rather than before bedtime.
Before the Conversation:
- Agree on a plan for what to say and when.
- Present a united message, showing that both parents are a team.
- Choose a private, quiet setting without interruptions.
- Prepare to answer questions honestly and calmly.
- Avoid giving age-inappropriate information or blaming either parent.
Steps for Talking to Children About Divorce
Step 1: Begin with Love and Safety
- Reassure your child that they are loved and safe before sharing difficult news.
- Example: “We want to talk about some changes, but first, we want you to know that you are loved, and we will always take care of you.”
- Tip: Speak calmly, make eye contact, and reassure both emotional and physical safety.
Step 2: Make It Clear This Is an Adult Decision
- Children often feel responsible for problems they witness; clarify that this is not their fault.
- Example: “This is a decision between Mum and Dad. It’s not because of anything you did or didn’t do.”
- Tip: Use phrases like “adult decision” and avoid language suggesting blame.
Step 3: Share the Basic Truth-Simply and Gently
- Give honest, age-appropriate information without including adult conflicts or details.
- Example: “We’ve tried to make our relationship work, but it hasn’t been possible. We’ve decided to live in different homes.”
- Tip: Keep explanations brief, neutral, and free of blame or anger.
Step 4: Acknowledge Feelings and Reassure Love
- Normalise emotions and reaffirm continued care from both parents.
- Example: “It’s okay to feel sad or confused. We feel sad too. But we both love you very much, and we will continue to take care of you together.”
- Tip: Encourage children to express feelings and validate their emotional experience.
Step 5: Explain What Will Change – and What Won’t
- Provide stability and predictability by clearly outlining changes and constants.
- Example: “Some things will change, like having two homes, but your school, friends, and routines will mostly stay the same. We’ll tell you the details as we know them.”
- Tip: Focus on routines and concrete examples.
Step 6: Keep the Conversation Open
- Let children know they can ask questions repeatedly and that discussions are ongoing.
- Example: “You can ask us questions now, later, or anytime you want. You can always talk to either of us about your feelings.”
- Tip: Make communication safe and continuous.
Step 7: End with Love, Security, and Belonging
- Reinforce emotional safety, family connection, and stability.
- Example: “We are still a family. You are loved and safe, and we will always be here for you.”
- Tip: Anchor conversations in love and consistency.
Further Support
Does your child need additional support?
These conversations can be challenging for both children and parents. Mind Up can provide counselling support for children (5-18 years) and adults who are experiencing changes in their family or marriage. To speak with one of our team members, you can book a free intake call here, to see how we can assist you, or your child.
Additional Resources
How to Tell Your Kids You’re Getting a Separation or Divorce | Psychology Today
Talking to Your Kids About Separation and Divorce, By Age
How to Tell Kids About Divorce: Age-Appropriate Strategies to Help Them Cope | Equitable Mediation