Do you have unrelenting standards for yourself?
Do you struggle with ever feeling “good enough”?
Do you battle with the never-ending cycle of anxiety and perfectionism?
If you answered yes to any of the above, it’s likely you have a rather loud inner critic. This is the voice in your head that constantly doubts, criticises, and wears you down. For many people struggling with anxiety, depression, or trauma, that inner critic never seems to go away. It makes it hard to try new things, get things done, and engage in healthy habits. It can also impact your social confidence and cause social anxiety.
On the other hand, when we have a good relationship with ourselves, we can handle life’s challenges with greater ease, and we’re more likely to take on risks and opportunities. We feel deserving of positive relationships with others and practise proper self-care. However, when the inner critic has taken a front-row seat for a long time, it can be hard to shift out of the negative self-talk. Here are some steps to start quietening the inner critic and building a better relationship with yourself.
1. Identify Your Self-Talk
This step is important for becoming more self-aware and noticing what your inner critic tells you. Write down or journal the narrative that your inner critic repeats. This process, also known as “cognitive defusion”, can be crucial in distancing yourself from the inner critic, gaining greater insight, and starting to see yourself more objectively.
2. Talk to Yourself Like You Would a Friend
Once you’ve identified what your inner critic says, imagine a friend was in the same situation. What would you say to them? What advice would you give? Notice how you hold yourself to a different standard than you would others. You would never treat other people as harshly as you do yourself.
3. Beckon the Inner Coach
The opposite of the inner critic is the inner coach. When the inner critic takes over, it’s hard to be kind to yourself. However, you can call to mind a kind and supportive person in your life to shift towards more compassionate thinking. Think of someone who is calm, reasonable, and capable of giving unconditional love. What would this nurturing person tell you? How would they see your situation? What words of encouragement would they offer?
4. Remind Yourself of Common Humanity
We are all imperfect, we all make mistakes, and we all suffer. Remembering this helps us feel less alone, knowing that others experience similar challenges. We also begin to accept the things that are out of our control and realise we are not to blame for everything.
5. Self-Care
When the inner critic is loud, practising self-care is more important than ever. Engage in activities that help you soothe emotionally, like slow deep breathing, being in nature, enjoying a relaxing hobby, or spending time with a loved one or pet.
6. Start Taking Small Risks
When we listen to the inner critic, we don’t have the confidence to step out of our comfort zone. The inner critic also likes to remind us of the “worst-case scenarios” rather than dealing with facts and logic. One way to challenge the inner critic is by taking action that defies it. Allow yourself to make mistakes, be less than perfect, or put yourself out there socially. We learn that we don’t always need to listen to the inner critic, and taking risks often leads to positive outcomes.
Remember, the longest and most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself. Life is so much better when you treat yourself with kindness and compassion.