Fighting in a relationship is normal and even healthy if you do it right.
Fights or arguments are normal in relationships because there are two individuals in a relationship with different views and equal rights. The frequency of arguments decreases over time as couples learn to work through and accept differences.
Distressed couples have a lot of intense emotions which lead to heated arguments. Emotions are a useful alarm system built in our nervous system to alert us of danger and signal us to make changes. We get so emotional with our loved ones because they are so important to us and losing them can feel life-threatening.
Emotions are very strong and necessary tools that get our attention so that we will take action. However, emotions also can shut off the part of the brain responsible for reason and self-control. It is easy to fight dirty when the reasoning shuts down and emotions take over. Here are some tips to fight to strengthen your relationship.
Set ground rules
The worst way to fight is to follow your instinct and do or say whatever you feel like without inhibition. In the moment, you feel so hurt and frustrated that saying what you feel seems like the only relief. However, you will probably regret it as soon as you utter those words, realizing that you have made things so much worse. Afraid of doing further damage, you may retreat and completely ignore your partner, or do what is called ‘stonewalling.’ Dr. Julie and John Gottman, renowned researchers of love and relationships, have found the four most damaging communication patterns that lead to divorce that they call “The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse.”
They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. You can set ground rules to avoid the The Four Horsemen, and to shut down conversations when any of the horsemen appear.
Take 20 minutes apart
It generally takes 20 minutes for our nervous system to get out of the fight and flight state, which is often where you are when the argument with your partner gets heated. Therefore, if you find that you have entered this state, it is best to take a break.
If you are wondering why you feel so out of control when arguing with your loved ones, it is because of our autonomic nervous system. Our brain and nervous system are designed for survival and will sometimes hijack the rational brain when the danger-detecting part is triggered. Why do we think that we are in danger when fighting with loved ones? They are not saber-tooth tigers or grizzly bears trying to chase us down and eat us. Because our partner is so important to us that when arguments make us feel disconnected or fear that we will lose the relationship, our body perceives that as a threat to our survival. The problem is, that this part of the brain is very primitive to the point that we even can see our partner as the predator or enemy to either run away from or fight and hurt.
When we get into flight and fight with our partner, some people will start getting louder and critical. You might start saying things to hurt or insult. Intimate partners know better than anyone what hurts and what buttons to press, so fights can end up wounding each other deeply.
Others avoid fights altogether. They may freeze and feel foolish as they can sit there listening to their partner’s eloquent arguments and not be able to gather their thoughts or find the right words to say. Others feel like fleeing the scene, leaving the other feeling abandoned and unimportant.
The better option is to not fight when you are in a highly stressed state and take a break. Agree on a time (usually 20 minutes) and reassure each other that you will come back to the argument. Sometimes couples avoid coming back to the conversation for the fear of it escalating again. You can take as many breaks as needed, but if you are unable to move forward, it is ok to seek couples counseling as a counselor can help create a safer space and intervene when you are escalating and assist with a more effective way to communicate with each other.
Goal of argument is to understand not to win
A common block to good communication is when people interrupt each other and do not wait to fully listen to the speaker. Sometimes, what is being said is really hard to hear and may trigger wounds or insecurities. You may feel like jumping in to correct the speaker because their version of events seems different from yours, or you find fault with their logic. Arguments in relationships shouldn’t be about making a point or winning the argument. Remind yourself that the goal is for more understanding, not winning a case. You are not in front of a judge. You don’t need to prove anything. Your point is not being dismissed when you validate your partner’s point. You may actually win by being a good listener and validating your loved one’s pain as this will lead to more trust and openness from your partner.
One of the best ways to improve communication is to become a better listener. There is a simple exercise that can help. Take turns. When one person is speaking, the listener should only focus on listening to understand. Only ask questions to either understand or clarify. Avoid carefully crafted questions to attack or challenge. When the speaker is happy and content that they have said everything that needed to be said, the listener can summarize and repeat it back to the speaker. They must do this until the speaker is satisfied that the listener truly heard and understood them. Only then can you switch roles.
Let go of expectations
It is easy for us to be hurt by people we love the most because we also have high expectations of them. People hold a lot of irrational beliefs unconsciously. Here are some common ones that are guaranteed to make your life miserable:
- I must be loved and approved by all significant others.
- Everyone should think the way I do.
- I (my partner) should never make mistakes or fail.
- I (my partner) should never let anyone (me) down.
- My life must be conflict-free (especially with those closest).
- I must be accepted by others.
- My life should always be happy.
- Everyone (especially those who love me) needs to understand me.
- Everyone needs to agree with me, especially those who love me.
- I need to perform to be loved.
- No one can dislike (or hate) me.
- I can’t change the way I am.
We put expectations on our partner to never let us down. We expect them to always understand and agree with us. We expect them to always approve of us and love us unconditionally, even when we are being unreasonable or toxic. We react to criticism with defensiveness and deflection because we think that we cannot make positive changes. Fighting effectively means that you are willing to let go of unreasonable expectations and offer forgiveness. It is coming to terms with differences and accepting that there are things about your loved one that may be hard to change. You should be with someone whose quirks and faults you can live with. It is not ok, however, to condone abusive behavior, which should never be tolerated.
Learn to Apologise
Apologizing is the first step to reconciliation and healing from hurt. However, most people have not learned the art of a good apology. Most apologies are offered in an attempt to escape discomfort and tension. It is sometimes used to shut down valid protest from the hurt partner. A good apology is powerful in mending broken relationships and healing. A good apology is sincere and specific. Saying “I’m sorry that you felt that way.” usually will not make the hurt party feel understood. You can apologize for hurting someone even if that was not your intention. Here is an example of a good apology.
Name the specific action that hurt your loved one:
“I am sorry for going ahead with this plan when you have mentioned that you weren’t so keen.”
“You are hurt because I didn’t respect your wishes.”
Validate their feelings.
“That must have been frustrating and hurtful, you must have felt ignored and unimportant.”
Reassure them of corrective behavior
“I will make time to discuss it with you next time.”
Add some explanation of why that happened. (This may not always be helpful)
“I was a bit rushed and needed to make a decision quickly. But that wasn’t ideal and I am sorry.”
Apologies that are specific to the action that caused the hurt, taking responsibility and offering corrective behavior will help your partner to heal if it is sincere. However, they may need time to take in the apology at their own pace and you cannot demand their forgiveness.
Once a sincere apology has been made, the hurt partner can help by soothing and regulating their hurt feelings on their own and to get to a place where they can forgive. Do not hold a grudge either to punish or to ‘teach’ your partner a lesson. However, this does not mean that you keep forgiving abusive behaviors followed by apologies and false promises of change.
If you are experiencing abuse in a relationship, please seek help.
Family violence support services
- 1800RESPECT – national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counseling service
- Domestic Violence Resource Centre
- Men’s Referral Service/No to Violence provides referrals and assistance to men to help address their use of family violence
- Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre
- Mensline also helps men who are dealing with family violence.